Thursday, September 22, 2011

What Seems To Be the Problem, Officer?

People love to point and laugh at some of the more ridiculous laws on the books, such as these:

In Florida, it is illegal to fart in a public place after 6 P.M. on Thursdays.
You cannot chain your alligator to a fire hydrant.
You may not drive barefooted.
You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time.
Kangaroos are not allowed in barber shops at any time.
Donkeys cannot sleep in bathtubs.
When being attacked by a criminal or burglar, you may only protect yourself with the same weapon that the other person posseses.
You are not allowed to walk across a street on your hands.
In Delaware you may not sell dead people for money without a license.
It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro.
One-armed piano players must perform for free.
In New Jersey, it is illegal to slurp soup.
In Kentucky every citizen of is required to take a shower once a year.
It's illegal to take a lion to the movies.
Citizens may not enter Wisconsin with a chicken on their head.
It is illegal to have a sheep in the cab of your truck without a chaperone.

But as any Mom can tell you, these laws are nothing more than the impulsive settling of ridiculous disputes between two or more immature people crying "NO FAIR!"

We decree laws like this all the time from our living room sofas, standing at the stove, or while folding towels in the laundry room.

We say these things to our children of questionable intelligence that, in the moment, make perfect sense. But when the dust settles, we must question the neccessity of our not-so-carefully chosen words that have become one of the 17 million household rules for now and forevermore....

You are not allowed to pinch your brother's nipples.

We cannot swing swords in the house.

Riding bikes/scooters/skateboards in the house is only permitted on tile floors, and they may not be operated at full speed.

It is against the rules to lock your siblings out of the house.

You are not allowed to throw your belly button lint at anyone.

No eating dinner in your underwear.

You may only go on the roof in pairs.

If you find it neccessary to use an entire roll of toilet paper in one sitting, for God's sake, you must flush multiple times during your period of confinement.

When you sled off the barn roof, you must wear a well-padded snow suit.

Only G-rated Play-Do sculptures allowed.

You are not allowed to put snake eggs in your pocket.

When we have company, you must be dressed in something more than your underwear.

You are not allowed to put beads in your nose. Or in your ears. Yes, belly buttons are OK. But then don't throw said bead at anyone.

You are not allowed to put beads in someone else's nose. Or ears. Or even their belly buttons. Ok, I guess their belly button would be alright. As long as they're cool with it.

You are not allowed to throw/drop your food onto the floor.

If you are going to pick your nose, you must place the boogie in a tissue. No boogies allowed on walls. Or pants. Or in your sister's hair.

You are not allowed go outside in your underwear.

Peeing in the trashcan is not allowed at any time.

It is against the rules to put a pencil in your nose. Or in your ears. No, not even in your belly buttons.

It is against the rules to aim your farts at your siblings.

Jelly does not count as a fruit.

You are not allowed to race the shopping carts.

When tying up your brother, you MUST make the knots easy to come apart.

Butter, by itself, is not a snack.

Sadly, oh so sadly, I have said all of these things to my children at one time or another.

And many, many more....

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Miss Meg said...

I found myself telling my girls its against the rules to lick your public. Got a few glares (wont be the last time!)

farmbeachgal said...

I hear ya', Meg. I just have to give a prayer of thanks that no one has heard me say that to one of my boys yet! 8-P

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