Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Bashing My Head Against a Wall of Hatred

My friend Lori, from Five of My Own, recently came under fire from a blogger named - ironically - Joy who describes herself as "pro-adoptee". Until she tagged herself as such, I thought (from the few things I had read by her) she was anti-adoption. Her ranting post against Lori was filled with rambling, name-calling, f-bomb-laden insanity in which she accused Lori of being a racist, a baby-buyer, and more.

In Lori's defense, I thought I would jump in and say a thing or two. It turned into a back and forth debate that spanned a couple days but sadly, got nowhere. After several verbal (well, written) volleys, I decided to try to end things by seeing if we could find some middle ground. A meeting of the minds, as it were. I figured, she feels like she is an advocate of adopted kids, as do I, so maybe if we could better understand each other's perspective on some level, we would all benefit.

What follows is the end of my post, and then her response:

So why don’t we try something new and stop making assumptions about each other?

I’ll go first. I consider myself an adoption advocate. That pretty much means that I am all for adoption, and I try to open people’s hearts to the concept that maybe they could adopt,or foster. There are so many kids in this world without families. Way too many. If I could find a genie to grant me a wish, it would be that every child could have at least one loving, capable parent. But I’m not running around rubbing lamps. Instead, I write, and I try to get people to think that maybe they could make a difference. That’s prety much my entire platform.

But what about you? You seem like a reasonably intelligent person. You say you are not anti-adoption, but when I read phrases like “doll-buying bitches”, what am I left to think? It was only after reading several things from you that it came across that you are “pro-adoptee”. And I still really don’t know what that means. I would love for you to teach me. For if I hope to advocate for adoption at all, how can I do that effectively if I don’t know all there is to know from every angle?

But Joy, teach me, do not alienate me, and then I’ll be one more person who can help to advocate. Let’s face it, you want the best for the kids, I want the best for the kids. It seems you and I have different ideas about what “best” means, but I would like to understand. Because I just don’t. All I see is hatred and anger. Help me to better teach those in society (but again, NOT the other APs/PAPs I have met) that we are not saving them, they are not lucky we adopted them, they should not be grateful to us, we are not saints. Society is filled with this viewpoint. I just don’t see APs/PAPs as the enemy.

November 4, 2011 5:44
Anne, dude you are sick in the head, no?

I can’t even believe your comment or that you expect to be taken seriously. If you wanted the best for kids you would do that.

I can’t even relate to you, your type of personality is so foreign to me. NO! my adoptive parents are nothing like you, they are way more sophisticated and kind and you are sicking me the f*** out. Really, what the f*** is wrong with you?

You don’t need me to educate you, there are plenty of adoptee blogs that aren’t as offensive as mine. I don’t want to “help” you , you make me sickened. How dare you come here and spew your stupid crap? Really how dare you? Okay racist cow, go have fun making light of adoptee issues elsewhere and f*** right off. I hope you get bit by the nasty fleas in your own carpet. Good God Woman.

I decided right there was as good a time to jump off that train as any. Me? I'll grab any chance I can to share my thoughts on the value of adoption, b/c that's what I believe in. But "Joy"? Even when I asked her point blank to share with me her views, she couldn't do it, leaving me to wonder if she really has any.

I learned a couple days later that she wrote a whole long post about me. None too flattering, I can assure you

I didn’t post your picture because I have since joined the anti-hair-defamation league. Good God woman, it is not 1983 anymore. Hairbrushes are not as expensive as an adoptling.

and yet she still did not clarify what her views were.

And Joy, if you happen to be reading, there's more to pick on me for than my hair (I actually thought my hair looked pretty good in that picture, which shows how much I know). I can give you a list if you'd like: I'm overweight; my teeth are crooked and in no danger of blinding anyone with their whiteness; my clothes are old and out of style; my skin shows its age and then some; my hands look like they've been working in a barn (oh wait, they have been working in a barn)...

There's way more, but I'll not bore my readers by fleshing out that list any further. Suffice it to say I am neither elegant nor eloquent, I am far from perfect, and I'm actually OK with that. Clearly, appearances mean a lot to you. For me? Not so much.

As for the adoption issue, I guess no matter what it is you believe in, even when it's something as seemingly win-win as adoption, there are going to be those with an opposing viewpoint. I guess I would just like to know what that opposing viewpoint actually is.

Sigh. I guess I will never understand....

The only thing I do understand is that I just slipped a bit in the TMB rank. 8-(
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Image courtesy: kieranjamesshea.blogspot.com


Rooster Inn said...

Well, just goes to prove that there are some really crazy, oooops I meant insane, people out there! Anyone who could even think that kind of CR_P, much less write it is not worth the time it takes to put even one period as a response. Those types will never be respected, or taken seriously! By the way I LOVE your hair:) You and Lori keep up the good work. People like Joy take a flying leap into cyberspace!

Anne Kimball said...

Thanks! Great to have you in my corner!

Sincerely, Jenni said...

I think you were right to jump off that crazy train before it wrecked. Sometimes people just like to hear themselves talk (or type) and she sounds like one of those people. It doesn't really sound like she had her own opinion, she wasn't even attacking YOURS. She was attacking you personally. That was pretty harsh. Very adult of you to take the high ground and ignore it and leave.

Rooster Inn said...

People like you and Lori will always be heroes in my book!

Lori @ Five of My Own said...

You have more spunk than I do Anne.

I chose to ignore this on my blog. I removed the negative comments, broke the links (as much as possible) from their blogs and last night I even deleted any mention of them from my facebook wall (gawd this is so highschool). I am done with it and refuse to engage further.

AND last night I searched for the capacity to somehow feel compassion for my attackers, for those who's anger, emotion, and vulgar language is seeping with pain. Because even on the internet where people often act in ways they would never otherwise act in person this is over the top. Emotionally healthy people do not act like this.

This morning that's just where I am. I will keep advocating for orphaned children and I will seek out other more willing and able adoptees to discuss their view.

Kimberley said...

You just will never convince everyone, Anne. Some people are just angry and don't want to stop being so. I read her posts about you and Lori--the blog basically seems there for her and others to rail about their lives, not to teach. So be it.
Keep being the mom you are to your kids, and keep writing about your experiences. We are all imperfect; the ONLY thing we can do is keep trying to do better. Thanks for your blog and having the guts to write about this.

Anne Kimball said...

Jenni, I think you're right, it's just as much an excuse for her to attack someone personally as it is to defend her beliefs.
Lori, good for you for removing all links with this woman and her hatred. I don't think I'll be addressing the issue of her insanity again. If there was hope of reaching any of her followers, I would keep up the debate, but there doesn't seem to be, so it's time to drop that ball. Like you said, just keep to the path, keep doing what you're doing for all those kids in the world without families.
And btw? If any of your readers express interest in your latest "poster child", but are concerned with attachment issues, send 'em my way....

Anne Kimball said...

Thanks, Kimberly. What you say is true. Sad, but true.

Miss Meg said...

Wow. She clearly has mental health issues. I dont say that lightly...I think she probably needs to see a doctor. First, I find people who cuss to be cowards...like their thoughts won't REALLY matter unless they dropp the f-bomb in there. Second, to trash someone on a personal level and throw insults when they have tried to understand you is just immature and invalidates anything they're saying. As I've opened up into this blogging world, I've been disgusted by the things and people I've found...true trolls...
ps-I like your hair too, and the reason I love your blog is not only because it relates to adoption, but I can relate to you as a mom, a person. Forget Joy, or pray for her, because she clearly needs it.

Anne Kimball said...

Thanks Meg. I do feel sorry for her, as well as for some of her followers. It can't be easy, or pleasant, to go through life actually LOOKING for hatred and ugliness, which is what they seem to be doing. She is in my prayers. I hope she can find peace in her heart.

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