Friday, October 28, 2011

Farm Friday

OK, it's a stretch to file this post under Farm Friday, but I do mention the Amish, which are about as farming a people as you can hope to find. So bear with me.

Sometimes my internet connection is lightning fast. Blinding. Numbs the senses to think about it.

Other times it's .... not.

And sometimes that slower pace makes me insane. Times when I'm frazzled and frayed and on my last nerve, I want to throw my laptop into the pond. But then I would need to wade in after it and fetch it from the slime because I do love it so. And I don't want to wade into my pond. It's icky and there are things in it that would have sung to the soul of my 8 year old overall-wearing self that no longer hold the same charm for me.

But other times, times when I am at peace with the world and my children are sleeping or far away from me, that I can regard sketchy internet with a zen calm.

Times like that, I liken the slow pace to getting stuck driving behind an Amish buggy on a curvy twisty road. You can't pass. All you can do is slow down and wait. Wait for the road to straighten out enough that the passing visibilty improves, or for them to turn off the road. With any luck, there will be a couple kids peering out the back, wearing their royal blue or vibrant purple shirts, their bonnets and straw hats. They will wave and look ridiculously adorable. You will smile. You will wave back. You will very nearly wet yourself from being so calm and relaxed and your face resembles that of a dental patient on a healthy dose of nitrous.

Of course, this affect can only be achieved if you are

a) driving without children
b) trying to get nowhere at any particular time, or
3) on a healthy dose of nitrous.

I'm afraid I have to confess here and now, however, that as much of an Amishphile as I am, I am not always in possession of such a Zen state when trapped behind a buggy (or when trapped behind a slow laptop). Cute kids and a clip-cloppin' horse can only soothe my nerves so much if I'm particularly harried.

Kind of like alcohol. Remember when you were studying for your learner's permit and you had to memorize the alcohol equivalents? It was like 1 case of beer = 1 bottle of wine = 1 flask of whiskey. Or something. Maybe it was can of beer, glass of wine, shot of whiskey. I don't remember, but I've been drinking and I don't remember things so good.


Or am I?

Anyway, there should be a stress-soothing guide for when we're feeling at our wit's end. Like 1 sleeping puppy = 1 hour of speedy internet service = 1 buggy full of Amish kids.

Or I don't know. Maybe it would be easier to hole up in a dark corner with that bottle of wine....

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