Monday, August 15, 2011

Mirth Monday

Today? We have George Carlin on special.

I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic f**king hatreds!

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

Have you ever noticed that their stuff is sh** and your sh** is stuff?

I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that sh** out by myself in the third grade.

If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?

Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”

Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.

Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”

Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.

One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.

What year did Jesus think it was?

George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.

The best thing about living at the water’s edge: You only have a**holes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash.

Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.

So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.

I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

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