Mirth Monday - Dane Cook

You never make secret hallways normal height, they always have to be uncomfortable. Like Why the f**k did I build them like this?! Where's my Lab!?!


I HATE it when somebody turns around in my driveway. You're just sitting comfortably watching T.V., you hear a car pulling up like "Who is this?!" It's so disruptive you look out, strange car, you dont know if it's a government official. You start getting concerned "What I dont know this car," then they turn to leave you're like "You son of a bitch, you wasted moments of my life! Moments i will never get back!"

I had to use a public restroom today. Isn't that the worst when you have to, damn it! Why when you walk into a public restroom why is everything f***ing wet? There's puddles, water all over the counter, it's dripping it's like being in a f***ing cave. What happen was there like a shaggy dog in there after a bath? And god forbid you have to use the stall you go in there, you sit down, you try to close the door, which apparently Van-Damme kicked in. Why are they all broken? Who's running in the bathroom like "I gotta sh**... I can't sh** with the door in front of me! F***ing door! I don't like being in a perfect square when I'm trying to sh**!"

You ever do a little delete game? Do you like to do that? You go through, you take your contactlist, sometimes you're just in the doctor's office right? You start scrolling through, you're like...who don't I need? Who don't I need in my life? Where can I get a megabyte of space back right now? And it's kinda fun right? You just scroll through...er Peter, Peter, yeah f**k Peter, BOOM! And you really hit that delete button like you're deleting Peter from existence. Peter is sitting half way around the world eating a steak and the second you hit that button he just turns to vapour: VVVVVVVV!! The fork falls: Tingtingtingelingtingting! The person that's sitting across him is like: "PETER!". Peter is gone. Poof!






You're welcome for the chuckle. Thanks for the vote.







Quotes and image courtesy: zimbio.com