Tuesday, May 10, 2011

A Butt By Any Other Name

When my kids were little I felt, quite frankly, shunned.

Shunned by Moms who were clearly more educated and current on parenting topics than I.

All because I chose to use nick-names.

Not nick-names in place of given names, but nick-names in place of body parts and functions.

It was argued by The Experts that we should teach our children the proper names for all things rather than baby talk our way around the anatomical block. Baby-talking, they condescended, would only teach our children shame about their bodies.

I hadn't realized I was so thoroughly screwing up my children.

But I would not cow-tow to The Man. I had reasons for using nick-names, as well as reason to believe that even these self-professed experts were selective in their teachings.

After all, how many of you have been stopped in your tracks by an adorable three year old with golden pig-tails that pulls on your shirt-tail, looks up at you with her big blue eyes and says,

"I have a vagina."

It's happened to me, and I know it's happened to you. Admit it.

While it is not only inappropriate (which is the only reason she said it in the first place, let's face it), it is also

hello, dangerous!

No way in hell I would want my little girl walking up to a stranger to discuss her vagina.

Not only that, but these little girls most times are referring to their exterior parts anyhow, which, I would love to point out, is very much NOT the vagina.

But I've not yet met the politically correct expert who is willing to teach his or her little girl that she has a vulva. No. It's all about the vagina. But that's just the inside stuff and most little girls don't even know they have inside stuff.

Plus, I have to wonder if the experts, when potty training
(sorry, I meant to say toilet training)
their toddler ask their little one if he needs to have a bowel movement? Or if he need to urinate?

Doubt it.

I'm sure these High and Mighty folk are just as classless as myself when they ask their child if he has to pee, or tinkle, or make a poopy in the potty.

Can you picture it now? Mr. Authority dancing around his three year old son, clapping his hands enthusiastically and proclaiming in a sing-song voice,

Hurray! You deposited feces into the child-sized toilet! Let's go put a sticker on your incentive chart!

I wonder, do the experts have a belly button like me or do they have an umbilicus?

We all use nick-names. And quite frankly, I don't see anything wrong with a boy having a birdie or a bug or a wee-wee. Or any kid having a butt or a hiney or a bottom. After all, who wants to hear a small child discussing his buttocks or his anus (and believe you me, he will, more than you ever thought possible)? Let's be real here, people. Let's just call the whole mess private parts and we're good to go. Any clarification needed in times of medical problems or, God forbid, abuse? That's why you've got hands, to point to what you're talking about.

They will eventually learn the proper name for every part of their body. When they are old enough to show a little impulse control and have a sense of social appropriateness, they will learn.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go make a tinkle.

Click the brown button if you've ever referred to poop as doo-doo. Or #2.
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