Came home early to a wild-eyed woman with crazy hair. A woman ranting about how her kids were pushing her off the cliff of insanity with their mocking, their hitting, their teasing, their sharing-challenged ways.
Me They've been driving me crazy all morning. I can't have more than one in a room at a time or it spells disaster. I'm running out of rooms. By the way, hello. Nice to see you made it home early.
Random Girl Child Mommmmmmmm, he LICKED me!
Me THERE WILL BE NO LICKING OF THE SISTERS!
Fred Boy, I guess you can take the girl out of the south, but you can't....
Me Don't even.
Some Other Random Girl Child Mommmmmmmmm, I was sitting in the good spot but then I got up and then HE took it and it's not even his DAY and.....
Me Don't take your sister's good spot!
Fred Like I was saying.
Me Hush.
ME again Anyway, listen, I have to go to the store for a quick trip. I'll be taking a few of them with me. And I'm exhausted, just to let you know. I have NOT been sleeping well lately. Killer insomnia.
Fred Why don't you take some of that prescription you have for it? That always helped.
Me I don't have any more. I haven't had any in awhile. Haven't needed it. For some reason I haven't had problems sleeping in a looooong time. I don't know why.
Fred For how long, do you think?
Me I don't know. For about 9 or 10 months maybe?
Fred And you can't make that connection? How long were the kids in school?
Me Oh.
Fred Listen, why don't you go to the store without the kids? Have some quiet time to yourself.
Does my man know how to pamper me or what?
Me That does sound good. But I already promised a few of them they could come along. Do you smell that? That's their money burning through their pockets. They are answering the siren's call of the candy and magazines.
Me Come on guys, who's coming with me?
5 kids (1 not even mine)MEMEMEMEME! I call shotgun!
Me No, you can't have shotgun, today is Monday. That means it's Patrick's day but he's not coming, so it goes to the Saturday person, which is Julie.
Several kids at once But that's only her day for reading for shotgun she gets Tuesday which is Bella's day but that was before Bella could sit shotgun, which she can now, so Julie shouldn't get Tuesday anymore she should get some other day but not Saturday because That's Not Fair so James should get shotgun for Saturday but That's Not Fair b/c he has a friend with him so he should sit in the back with him which means Daniel should get shotgun but he's not going so Rosie should get it but That's Not Fair!
Someone shoot me.
Please.
But before you shoot me, click this here brown button.
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2 comments:
Actually, I think a nice locked ward (think of us inside and the kids locked o-u-t). Fuzzy slippers, regular medication and art therapy sound pretty good right now. I'll waiting for you at the bottom of the cliff...I hear it's really quiet there.
In the meantime, I'm sneaking out to Target now....alone. Not a single child with me; think I'll call them from the car to let them know I'm gone...
I like the ward-as-spa retreat idea.
I love your wickedness of calling them from the car to tell them you're gone.
See you at the bottom of the cliff!
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