Thursday, March 17, 2011

Meeting My Babies Part 3: The Child Not Chosen

Meeting Ylia

The Child Not Chosen

I chose
my babies by birth
in the quiet before you were born.

I did not know you.
I did not choose you.

I chose
Bella as my own.
With Bella you shared a roof.
With Bella you shared Mamas.

But I did not know you.
I did not choose you.

I chose
Borya as a son of my heart.

With Borya you shared distant memories of another roof.
Of another mother.

But I did not know you
and I did not choose you.

I was told I could take Borya as my son.
Not just of my heart
but of my home. My family.

I chose to begin the journey that would take me to him.

I was told
by men unknown to me
from the land of your birth
that I was to be your mother.

I did not know you.
I did not choose you.

Others chose you.

I heard words.
I heard special needs.
I heard ten years old.
I heard if Borya was to be my child
you would be my child.

I was angry.
I did not choose you.

God chose you.

God chose me.

God tried to quiet my angry heart and take me by the hand to lead me to you.
But I was angry and hid my hands behind my back.

I crossed dark oceans and sleeping lands.
I found myself in the land of your birth.
I found myself in a sorrowful building.

I was reunited with my son
and cried tears of joy.
My heart was full.

I did not choose you.

I found myself looking towards an opening door.
I found myself looking into beseeching eyes.

Eyes of loneliness
Eyes of questions
Eyes of searching and longing and hope.

Could I choose you?

I came to see you.
I came to know you.

I looked in your beautiful eyes.

Eyes of love
Eyes of joy
Eyes of mischief
Eyes of searching and longing and hope.

Eyes of God.

Eyes of my daughter.

I choose you.
I choose you.
I choose you.

Daughter of my heart
Daughter of my family
Daughter of God.

I choose you.

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Lori @ Five of My Own said...

are you tying to dehydrate me?

I know the story and everybody in it and still there are tears rolling down my face. Its the story itself but your telling of it too. Beautiful.

Sarah said...

Ok, we need more funnies between these tear jerkers, my coffee tastes salty.

Lou Ann said...

Beautiful...both your writing and your daughter. I haven't seen many pictures of Julie since you met her in Kaz and wow has she grown into a beautiful young lady. It must be all the love in your home!

Stephanie and Gary said...

I came to you by way of Lori Printy. I am also a mom of a boy from Kazakhstan -- adopted at age 2, added to our family of 2 bio girls. This story is beyond beautiful and moving. I am floored by the depth of feeling expressed in the words I choose you. I choose you.

God bless!

Anne Birdsong said...

Thanks Lori and Sarah. Sorry for the dehydradation.
Thanks Lou Ann.
Thank you Stephanie, and welcome!

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